It's nearly christmas, and we're well on our way through what was always going to be another difficult year. After getting a vital job at Bank, that got him the visa we needed, he quit after the chef got too unbearable. After drifing for a few weeks, we decided that the only option was for him to get a live-out job somewhere else, and he ended up getting a good job at Hotel Felix in Cambridge. He moved out, met Dan, started to make a bit of a life, and then they sacked him. He hadnt been happy. The room was depressing, he was away from everyone, and broke to book. So now luckily he's just found a job in town at Hotel Du Vin, who hired him right away. fingers crossed this one works out. We're very broke again, and need the money.

I'm in the middle of applying to accountancy jobs, lots of selection tests, lots of unanswered CVs, and more than a few rejections. I was really disappointed by not getting the Rees Pollock one, it seemed quite interesting, and i failed the maths test, not even the interview. It looks like the real process doesnt really start until feb though.

Im working three-ish jobs at the moment to keep ends meeting. Especially with N's lack of reliable funds. Reception, Spar and some accounting work for local accountants. I've just taken the last week off, and it felt so good to have free time again! but with N being back, I feel I'm not going to be as productive as I was when he wasnt around.

Im feeling like I'm in limbo. Not where I should be (Im so done with being at uni), and yet not really knowing where I'll end up.

Im in Birmingham again. We made it. Together. Its mid september, I've known Nathaniel just under a year. Strange. I was prompted to write again by reading through emails to Adam from August last year, only a year ago I was in that state, and now im here, married. Happy too.

I cant possibly recount the entire road trip. I wrote most of it down somewhere, actually, I should find that.

Im walking the route to my new work, for the 10th time this week. I go twice a day, but the evening shift is my favourie time to walk through town. The homeless-looking guy with the guitar was out again in the square by the town hall, and the soft tones of an acoustic guitar rose over the yellow stone buildings. A man walking in front of me suddenly "bonsoir"s a random man walking towards, but past us. The randomness struck me. The server outside the Chinese restaurant I walk past looked at me as if she recognised me. I suppose I have walked past her every time this week. We exchange sympathetic smiles. Im only just starting, she at least is going to get home earlier than me tonight. The little cobbled streets are just starting fill up with the evening crowd. I turn the courner to the restaurant and hope for an easy night.

So, things have settled down a bit. I'm working as of yesterday at a little restaurant by the rotound as a plongeuse. Its hard work. My feet and my shoulders ache like nothing else. When I applied they said it'd be 12-2.30 and then 8-11.30 ish. I finished at 1am today. I know remember why i said I'd never be a dishwasher again after Knightshayes. My hands and wrinkled and cracking, I feel sick from the chemicals, and I've got this 5 nights a week!

In other news, Nathaniel has just got the beginnings of a job at the 2* Michelin restaurant he want to work at. Its great, if we can get the paperwork all sorted ok and in time. They're always naturally suspicious if you cant show them the actual carte de sejour.
Its exam time, and of my 4 classes, Ive got two exams, well I've taken one already. The linguistics one is on the 7th. Problem is, with work like this, im going to have to be careful fitting my classes round it! Finishing late is going to kill me if i have to be up for classes at 9am. Its money at least and if Nathaniel is earning too, we'll have a bit of extra cash to flash.
Im too tired to finish this, plus N has just come back from the pub drunk and is trying to conjegate "essayer" slurringly. J'en ai marre.

For some reason i feel really lonely tonight. The thought of that dark place came back, momentarily, and that was enough to keep me awake tonight. I feel lonely.

In my head im still doubting all this is really real. The concept of forever is something i really cant conceive of. Especially seeing as none of my rash decisions ever go right. Not in the long run. I have so much spinning around my head at the moment.

Tom if you're reading, this may answer your questions...

Ok, so for my own benifit as much as anything, I'll start at the beginning, and continue until I get to the end, and then i'll stop. Money has been tight for a while, and was getting to the point of depressing me. Now I know I deal with that kind of situation like my mother does, badly. We'd been struggling along, but his leeching had made me start to get more frustrated with him than i'd have liked. Then, when we got back from Morocco, he handed in a CV at a place that looked promising, and the week later, they offered him the job. I was initially over the moon. He'd have his own money, and I wouldnt have to keep organising everything. The day before I left for England, he proposed. We're getting married the week after I get back to France. I mean, we'd talked about it for a while before, and i knew he was going to, and if i'd wanted him not to, I'd have said so. He needs the visa to be able to continue working here. Its a "marry or split up" situation. Not perfect by any means.
But the thing is, I know everyone will think its too soon. Its not socially acceptable to be married in 3 months. I was moved by the idea that he thinks we'll be together in the long term, but i was more prepared to marry for the visa now, and then actually become married in all but name later on. We'd have a low key, legal wedding now, and then "big it up" later, when less people will be whispering their behind our backs. Nathaniel told his family, who on the whole have been supportive. They're flying me out to California even. Its not quite what i wanted, now there's more pressure.
Im not telling my parents. Not now anyway. They wouldnt understand. I want the situation at home to change a bit before I do. This has worried various among the family members that Nathaniel has told, and now they are concerned that im just a little girl running off with the first man that sweeps her off her feet.

I would like to enlighten them that its been me doing most of the sweeping, and definately most of the preparation and organisation for our life in France.

I wish Nathaniel was a bit more self-sufficient. I know the situation hasnt really changed, as he's not actually received his first pay check, and when he does, he wont have to rely on me for money, which will make me feel better, but we'll see.

Thing is, im writing this at home. And being at home, away from him, and my real life in France makes me feel different. I feel like im stagnating. I have no friends here at home, they are miles away. I dont even have a job. But when Im there, im nearly in love i think, im getting there. There were a couple of moments recently when i think i saw the first embers. With me its always something that takes a long time to kindle. And i always say it way before i mean it. I know, its terrible. But Nathaniel seems to be the perfect type of guy to marry. We get on well, and he doesnt turn me into the insecure wreck that Adam did, not through any fault of his own, mind. I think I could love him in that steady way that seems to have only recently materialised in my life. Im not sure i believe in "the one". I think my mother has more the right idea. A husband is a life-partner. The being good friends bit is far more important than the love. The love is the laminate layer, glossing all the rest of it over, making it seem that bit more shiny.

Im entering this marriage with no illusions. I know most marriages dont work, and I know that no amount of time together with someone will ensure you stay together "until the end of days", look at Dan's parents. I also know that sometimes staying together is not the best option for all involved. But in the same breath, i realise that no-one can tell accurately what will work and what wont. We have as much chance as the rest of all those other millions of couples out there embarking on their life together. I have no qualms from the point of being too young. All im missing out on is other guys, and to be honest, the prospect just doesnt appeal. I think we are perfectly capable of living our own lives but together. His job allows him to follow mine to a certain extent.

I believe him when he says he thinks Im the one, what worries me is why he thinks that so soon. I just hope he feels the same kind of mutual trust and love that is more of a good base for a long term relationship that pure passion.

I need to be back in France. Home is killing me slowly. I should really read my old posts before i book my next flights, i always write the same things, then wonder why i get so bored and lonely and depressed when i go home again.

Im going to get married. Does it say something that im more excited about the prospect of the "big do" in a couple of years than about the impending legal ceremony, where the deed will actually be done, in a couple of weeks?

Im back from a short week in Morocco with Nathaniel. It went without too much of a hitch, spent too much though, as usual. Got ripped off lots, as is to be expected. I received my Erasmus grant finally on the week before we left. About £2000. Was nice to have, but it wont last long with me supporting the both of us, especially when he has no concept of money. Im trying to kick him into going out and looking for a job more, but he's scared, and he has to overcome it.
More randomly, well, not exactly randomly, but a little bizarrly, he's making real commitment noises, like, LONG term, like, asking my ring size, and making "THE girl" comments. Should I be sympathetic, scared, or dismissive? I mean, yes he needs a visa, and I could probably be persuaded to marry a bit early for that, but he really thinks im the one, after two months. I mean really, I know me, Im no-ones "one".

"Follow me"
I take his outstretched hand, leading me further into the darkness. The spark in his eyes is my candle, my way-marker. We tred gingerly, toes reaching out to find the path. I can make out his shape in the black, it comforts me to know there is another living being in the deafening silence. I look back. The dim light behind fades with every step. We could never go back. This road only leads one way.
I move my thoughts to the present. His grip tightens, he stumbles. I reach out and steady him. The candle dims. We stop. He is testing the paths. Our choices laid out bare infront of us. Which way now? A chill wind blows from one, we take the other. All are equally unknown, all equally terrifying.
Footfall follows footfall, as we take the road less travelled, our eyes fixed on the small light beckoning us forward.

Its been a hard couple of days. Money is really getting to me more than it should. I found out i somehow spent £300 in a week. Not even on anything specific. Im starting to snap at Nathaniel, which is a bit wearing on both of us. I just feel so far away from him at the moment. And I still cant quite break that last barrier. That one that would let me get really close. Sometimes I look at him and still cant imagine that im anything more to him that the near on 50 other girls he's slept with.
We had a thanksgiving dinner at Elizabeths, which all went jolly and all that. Too much turkey and alcohol. I spent too much again, not sure where it all went.
Im still looking for a job, without much luck. I just want to re-connect with the world again!!!

Its stressful. Nathaniel doesnt have a job, so I'm effectivly supporting two people on a bank account thats depleting at an exponential rate. He's becoming clingy and insecure, for the mostpart Im sure due to the money/job worries, and the uncertainty of it all. But I know he can be so much more than that. I know thats not him, and it not who he wants to be, so Im trying beyond everything to make this work for him. I just cant do everything. I cant speak the french for him, and I cant get him a job. His friend's death has affected him more than he realised i think. I knew as soon as he said "I dont greive", that he was in trouble, but Im still not sure I see the bottom of the murky water.
Its not so much the money I worry about most. Its the fact that both of us aren't doing much all day. And we're therefore not doing much together. We've neither of us got the money to blow on a trip somewhere, and are hanging around Aix, watching the money disappear and the jobs not appear.
IKEA and Carrefour are apparently closed on a sunday. We drove the longway there, just to discover this. We ate lunch at the overpriced french version of McDonalds, that does goatscheese burgers by the way, and came home.
I saw Youth without Youth today. It was weird and confusing, but kinda fun in a surreal way. Like the way the film kept being shown upside down. I preferred the "Days of Winter" I saw a few days ago tho.
Beth, Nathaniel and I went out on Thurs for the launch of this seasons Beujoulais wine. For a red, I actually really liked it. Im not recording nearly enough of whats actually happening out here. The things Im doing. I'm gonna regret it later im sure. But as long as the fac is on greve, its going to be job-hunting and stoking the fires as the winter sets in.
I talked to Adam today for about half an hour. I was worried my credit was going to run out, but I could have talked to him for so much longer. I guess better that than running out of something to say and having an awkward pause. I miss him so much. I really hope I can get to see him in Feb. He's going to have an amazing time in Thailand. So many stories. But at the same time im still jealous of the experiences he'll have without me. WHich is ridiculous, as he's been living in MTL the past three months without me. Old habits die hard I guess.
But I prefer the person I am with Nathaniel. Id become too needy with Adam. Too dependant on his love. I could never tame him, I knew that from the very beginning. but i didnt know how to have a relationship with freedom involved. I put on the shackles, and it all went downhill. Im going to stop posting so much about boys. Its not healthy. Im not 15. Even boys i hardly have any contact from.
blerg.

"Hey"
That simple word gets me every time. My stomach turns a somersault, and everything else Im doing becomes irrelevant. Why? after all this time? Im over you. Im so so over you. But im not. What is it about you that I miss so much. I know it could never have worked.Where we were going wasnt healthy. I went through all the pain, the heartache. I conquered it, and my feelings. All the pain was pushed away. Time, the great healer. But how long do I need? I thought that was it. It took 2 years with Dan, and only really happened when I fell in love with adam. Do I need to properly fall in love again to get Adam out of my system?
Its 3am and Im in my head about him, still. This is the 2nd time this week ive spent the evening thinking about him. This isnt how its sposed to be. Im over him. I am i am i am. Why am I the only person I cant convince.

My university is closed. There is a group of students protesting outside the gates, and through town, about the new loi d'autonomie in France. The ringleaders in Aix are members of the Young Socialist and communist movements, and although numerous, cannot hope to represent the majority of the student body. My immediate response when the news came through 2 weeks ago was a smile. University is cancelled for a couple of days, good I thought, it gives me time to catch up on the work I should have done last week. But as this whole situation unfolds, I see it becomming more and more ugly. My teacher tried to enter the campus last week and was threatened and intimidated by the protesters. She is a 60 year old professeur of Creoles. Is it her fault that this law has come about? It comes to something when a gang of young adults feel they have to intimidate a 60 year old woman to get their point across.

But why are they doing this? For those of you, probably most of you, who have no idea what this law is, I will try to explain as best I understand it. At the moment, education is free in France until after your bachelors degree. This is because the state pays for the education. There are numerous problems with the French university system at the moment, as those of you with me on exchange will testify. The departements are woefully under-equipped, the drop-out rate is exorbitantly high, and the job prospects with a bachelors degree in france are minimal. To try and combat this, the new law is introducing fees, in order to throw a little more money into the system. As most of you are English and American students, the idea of protesting over having to pay fees may seem somewhat ridiculous, but I suppose its what you're used to. Remember how silly protesting over top-up fees in England must seem to American students, saddled with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt? It will also create the same problems though that university will now not be for all, only for those that can afford it.

The new law will also give the universities self-governance, bringing them more into line with other european countries. The socialists, from what I can understand of their propaganda, feel the university will use this to, in effect, screw over the students. The lack of state control seems to worry them. Although, in reading the wording of the loi, there seems to be an effort to include a proportion of the student body in university-wide decisions, creating what seems to be like our "guild council" at Birmingham, only on a larger scale. Whether that will work Im not sure. French students seem to be apathetic on a scale even larger than the English.

Universities will also be able to ask for and accept funding from private businesses, and the protesters feel this may make the universities puppets to the best investor, especially as in the first few years of implimentation, there will be a large financial deficit while the state/private funding changes balance out. I have no quarrel with the arguement that the universities need more money. the state cannot increase its funding, there is not enough to go around. France is suffering the same aging population problem that most european countries are facing at the moment. French universities are a completely different beast to the English universities Im used to, but given as such, they are crying out for bigger classrooms, more books, better facilities. 12 computers in the university library and two computer rooms is not enough for a faculty of 8000.

In any case, I get the impression the majority of the student body would rather be at lessons. By the time you get to university, you are interested in your subject, you want to learn, you are hungry for knowledge. If that fundemental desire is not there, you wouldnt be at university. You dont have to be. As is often the case, the minority that are protesting are very loud and noticable, creating the impression of being more numerous than they are. From talking to protestors however,I get the impression that there is also an anti-Sarkozy element. I think whatever he does will be scrutinised, analysed and opposed to the point of absurdity. The French just dont trust him. How long can such a man really claim to hold power? He wants change, the French dont. A gross simplification, but there is the basic cause of the friction. He was elected saying he was going to change France and its relation to the rest of the world, and now that he's trying, the French are realising what they've done.

For my part, I want the university to be opened again. Fundementally, it's kinda boring sitting around all day, not being able to go away travelling because you dont know if the university is going to open tomorrow or not. But Im here to learn French. I was enjoying my classes, I had the oppertunity to follow new subjects and learn so much more than just the lesson contents. Socially it's been rewarding too. I empathise with the frustrated students who just want to get back to normality. The universities need money, they need to be improved in all manner of ways. Fees seem the only logical way to go. And autonomie to the individual campuses works in other countries, and although there will be teething problems, I can forsee it working longterm here too.

Having said that, I can also sympathise with the protesters. No-one seems to listen to students. They are expected to finish their degrees, then fall into a badly paid job, waiting for one of the rare well-paid ones to come around, while not even being given any decent job security due to the recent law that put new employees on a lengthy probationary period for various reasons. But opposing a law that will fundementally improve working conditions for students is not the answer.

Ive been missing Adam unusually lots recently. It's kinda bizzare. I guess its because life has started to slow down. Especially with the university being on strike these past two weeks. I have a lot of time, and not a lot to do in it. Its not like before uni started, cos then everyone was out meeting people.
Its mostly the communist/socialist student parties that are causing the most problems at the uni. I thought it would last a couple of days, but apparently, it seems to be a bit more serious. Remy sounded to think so at least, and I guess he'd know. The notice on the uni website has changed from "will be closed until Monday" to "will be closed until further notice". Which, I think, is a relatively significant change. I should be taking the time to travel, to explore. But I have no money. And no real desire to spend what I dont have. The Erasmus grant is looking like it may not arrive, or at least it wont arrive for a while, maybe months. I had kinda banked on getting that. My parents have bailed me £800. But thats it for the year. They were nice enough about it, they'd assumed i'd need some. Not having a job and all. But Ive dropped off my CV to a couple of places, and hopefully I'll hear back. But I darent even hope.

Im moving. Or should I say, we're moving. Cos somehow, Im moving in with Nathaniel next month. Into a studio flat. I mean, how on earth did that happen???. We got back from Barcelona, and his landlords were getting worried about him not having a job, and potentially not being able to pay the rent, so they demanded (well, asked nicely for) the rest of the deposit that he'd been let off previously as he'd had no money. He of course, with no job,couldnt afford it, and had to leave. He's now moved in with me, into my small bedroom that im still renting until the end of the month, then we're moving into our own place. Im kinda excited and terrified. Cos i know its and incredibly stupid thing to be doing. Ive only known him a month. and there are things he says and does that i just think "why on earth am i still here!?" But for the mostpart, he's lovely. How it'll all turn out with us being under each other's noses the whole time im not sure, but we're seeming to manage ok as we are now, and we're in closer proximitiy. At least we'll have a proper oven in the new place, and its more in town than before. Im worried. Of course i am. Im having to cover the rent. Im assuming he'll get a job, and its been two months already without one for him.
Im currently stressing about the car too. I cant deal with all this french beauorcracy, ive just taxed the car, and now they tell me i have to change the numberplates cos its now registered in a different departement to the one previously. How on earth do i do that, before this evening?? Im really not sure where to find a garage. Do i just drive around until i find one?
I need a shower.

I lack a bedside table. I know this because I want the tea that is stewing in the pot in front of me, but I cant reach it because it's on the floor, not on a bed-side table.
Its really good tea, a spicy Christmas blend, as its getting really quite cold here. Im home at the moment after a weekend in Barcelona with Nathaniel, which went superbly. Apart from the first night, where we wandered for two hours with no room to stay in. but that was our fault for arriving late friday night without accomodation. http://www.flickr.com/photos/7971468@N06/ is the link to my flickr account with photos.
Basically we did the touristy stuff, like Gaudi's cathedral and the park Guiel. He told me he loved me too. Which, although i think he means well, I wont take seriously for another couple of months or so. I seem to always get the "Ive never felt like this before" type comments from all the guys, there must be something different about me that makes them go all gooey kneed. He's desperately insecure at the moment, and although Im not sure I love him, im not intending on going anywhere just yet, but cant really re-assure him to the extent he needs. I think when he gets a job things will start to settle. Once he gets more money coming in on a regular basis we'll both find things a lot easier I think. We've been spending quite a bit of time together so I have to be a bit careful to keep us separate. But at the moment its relatively angst-free so Im good.
Im a bit worried about next term. Im going to try and find somewhere else to live, I really cant stand it here much longer. But also Beth and Kate are leaving, so i'll have to make new ones, or else Nathaniel will become the only big thing in my life, like it was with Adam, which didnt work well.

1) Dont be so far away, I feel like we'll be like this forever. Always making vague plans to meet up some time in the future. What about now? Now is good. I miss you.
2) Why didnt you tell me you were going to come over? I thought you'd have wanted to see me again. I had to find out from someone else. That kinda hurts. Even after all this water under the bridge.
3) You. Are. Amazing. So far anyway. Please dont prove me wrong.
4) hey, im with you on this. Dont feel you're alone. I know I cant be much real help, but Im there if you want to talk it over.
5) Please, go away. Leave us in peace. I cant stand what you're doing to her, to us. I know its not your fault, but really, she doesnt need this now. I worry about her.
6) Be careful. You're going to have the time of your life, and I wish you nothing less. But please, be careful. Its going to be hard in places, and I want to wrap you up in bubble wrap so it wont hurt, but I should'nt and I can't.
7) Come, sit. Talk with me like we did once. We dont do that anymore. We should. Come, talk with me.
8) Thank you.

The day will come when I will laugh. When I will swim my way absent-mindedly through your tears. My dull fingertips will not feel your skin beneath them as they brush your hand. My heart will not crack in two as yours will. You will look through my eyes and find nothing. An empty void. You cry out in pain, and stretch your fingers towards my body, longing for a reminder of my warmth. But in vain. Your hands clasp at nothing. My heart is empty, I am numb. I feel no pain as we part, I feel nothing at all. I smile through your tears. This day will come. This terrible day.

I feel I should explain for anyone who happens to stumble across this, this is not a real and truthful picture of how I'm feeling at the moment, dont worry, I havent fallen down a deep black emotional hole. This and the couple below are just what came out of my head this weekend. Yes, probably influenced by the past and present, but definately elaborated upon.

I was walking with grandpa up Tivvy hight st, and on the way back down he mentioned he was tired. I sympathised, saying that he's just walked a long way. I suddenly caught myself with "It comes to something when walking up Tivvy high st is a long way" behind my teeth. If I ever get that slow, push me under a bus. Wheres the fun in life if you cant skip down the street anymore.